Day 1

So it looks like I may be living alone again, which is not a bad thing necessarily. I'm not sure what my next course of action is going to be. Maybe move out and get a 1 bedroom apartment for 6-8 months until I leave for the desert. I've also thought about moving in with my sister, or even my Grandpa so I could help him out. Or who knows, maybe I'll just tough it out and live on a super tight budget for awhile. It's so close to work and I'll be gone soon. It's weird when you stop and think about where you are at and about how say 1-2 years ago where you thought you'd be. It pisses me off my family still asks about Maria.

They all loved her very much, and still do. Some of them want us back together, but I have to tell them that she's moved on and well I have to do the same. I can't date, or even flirt with another woman right now. I'm a wreck when it comes to that. I will just be alone, go to war, and do my best to come home safe. By then I should be ready to re-group and give it another go. It's not such a bad thing, just concentrating on me and getting everything tight. I really feel like I am in a good place mentally and emotionally.

Today I went and had sushi with my cousin Nathan and his g/f Beth. It's always nice to see them and chat it up. It's always a plus to do it over some amazing sushi, OMG it's SO GOOD!

Work is work, we are super busy and I am still working OT by choice, gotta pay those bills and save a little too! I am so looking forward to my vacation this summer. I have booked an entire week off work and will be going somewhere, not sure where, but it will be nice. I'm thinking road trip to South/North Carolina. Chill on the beach, read, workout a little....just get take it in and enjoy some of life. Besides the OT at my normal job I am working 2-3 weekends a month for the Navy too which means only 2 days off per month until my vacation. I love the money, but I am a little stressed. I didn't even work out today, which is odd cause I am usually in the gym 5-6 days a week. My personal trainer called me tonight too which was funny cause he just expected me to be there. Had to say, "needed a couple days off bro, I'll be in tomorrow though!"

I went and saw Dear John with my sister Kristina, I have to make sure not to make her watch movies involving war anymore. She was very sad during and after the moving when thinking of me going away. The movie itself was just okay, the book was soooo much better. I love it I can say that, I always hear people say it, but that book was way better than the movie and I am glad I read it. It's sad to think about lost love, but life without love is even worse.

So that's it for now, tomorrow is Day 2 of the rest of my life, and then 3, then 4....and maybe soon I will be back to normal and not mad or upset. Goodnight

Hurt it does

Why do you read things you know you shouldn't? I don't want to know she is flirting with "handsome" men, I don't need to know that. I don't want to know that she is happier without me. Of course you always want someone to be happy, but I thought maybe there was still the possibility she wanted me, or wanted us back. After reading her latest blog entry it's apparent that possibility is the farthest thing from her mind. Don't get me wrong, I want Maria to be happy, but in my heart I still wanted her back for so many of the right reasons.

So with that being said, no more checking up on her and her life. She is moving on without me, and I guess I will do the same. It's a shame, cause I feel we could have made it, I thought it was destiny, I thought she would still take my hand one day and say, "I do". I've reflected, i've improved, i've changed....I guess just too late. So go on and keep flirting and having fun, and don't worry about me anymore. Whatever happens, happens for a reason. Afghanistan, work, school.....I am man enough to handle.

I will say this, Thank you for the love and effort you gave me over the years. I am forever sorry for not holding up my end when I needed to, I want to now, but I can tell from your words that is gone. Thank you Maria for helping me reach my level, you have changed me for the better.

Shaun

oh what a difference!

So tonight after work and the gym, I met my buddy Shim for my newfound sin at Little Tree in Royal Oak. It's really my cousin Nathan's fault for introducing me to the sushi roll that has forever changed my taste buds. But back to the story. So I eat some sushi and have 1 beer, yes 1 beer....it's a really good wheat beer that I have only found at Little Tree. Then after being satisfied with food and a good flavored beer I drove Shim home, we hanged out a little longer in the basement watching dumb stuff and discussing bbq, and I had a 3 more beers there. At which point I looked at Shim and said, "I can feel a buzz off these few beers". I can't believe that I caught a buzz off 4 beers, and I am talking normal bottles. That really put into perspective how good I am doing with my diet and working out.

Tomorrow is my next night with doc, looking forward to it, but at the same time wishing someone was with me. So goes another night in the books, until we meet again maybe...................

so tired

Home from the gym and extremely tired. I swam a 1/2 mile tonight, the farthest i've gone so far. And I even got a compliment that I was a good swimmer by someone. That cracked me up because I am anything but that. I am a runner!

After the gym I met my sister Kristina for our Tuesday night Thai food dinner. It's been a tradition of late. We talk about life and our crazy family, good venting!

Another doc session this week on the schedule and then starts my crazy weekends. I will only have 1 weekend off per month for the next few months due to my extra Navy duty weekends, ugh.

recap

The weekend was so-so. I finally finished building the poker table I have had cut out for over a year. It turned out really nice, but being the perfectionist I am, I was still a little unsatisfied. But it was a fun project to actually build something, don't get to do that too often.
Other than that I worked out at the gym and also had dinner at Grandpa Webers. The family is not doing so well, it's kind of scary. I hope he is around for a long time, he has changed so much over the years, and for the better. I worry that he will pass while I am overseas, but I am praying not.
I went to my psychologist on Friday which was cool. It was good to talk to someone and have someone ask questions and make me think about things. I also went to confession at church which was the best decision in a long time I've made. I have felt the need to go, and boy was I right that I needed it.
So even though I didn't do too many fun activities, it was a good healthy weekend, for the body and soul. :o)

speechless

I talked to someone today regarding a customer of ours who is now deceased, they were serving in Afghanistan. That just trips me out, like my body is kind of numb now. I feel so bad for that persons family, and am worried about our own trip too.

I think I am going to refer to my deployment as a "vacation" from now on so I don't think about it in a negative way. Serving your country is an honor, but war is also very scary. All I can do is prepare and do my best.

I hate...

Dreams!

You are in a beautiful place, smiling, holding someone you love, and then all of a sudden you wake up in a bed alone with no one there. I wish I could go back to that dream or have it become reality again.

So back at work today for another long day, still working tons of overtime. Then after work I will go to the gym. After the gym I will begin to read "At First Sight" which I am really looking forward to. Then my Harry Potter #1 book awaits to be read after that, crazy all the reading I am doing, but at the same time loving it.